Somedays, I feel like writing in english again. I don`t know why, but I often think in english.
And it feels natural to write my thoughts down this way, not to translate them. That`s weird.
I`m not in a very centered, balanced place right now. But I realized I have expectations for my blog to be a totally balanced thing. That is so unreal!!!
I`m doing a lot of soul searching, these days.
A lot of things, I want for myself are unreal, I think.
I think I want to be superwoman!
I want to have my life figured out...
I want to be a good person...
I want to live healthy...
I want to be grounded, peaceful and centered...
I want to be creative...
I want to be satisfied...
I want to love myself...
I want to show people love...
I want to inspire...
I want to be beautiful...
I want to be authentic...
I want to be honest...
I want to be natural...
I want to be talented...
I want to be selfless...
I want to be a good eurythmist.
I want to be a good photographer.
I want to be a good writer.
I want to be a good knitter/crocheter.
I want to be a good cook and baker.
I want to be a good blogger.
I want to be a good student.
I want to be a good girlfriend.
I want to be a good daughter.
I want to be a good sister.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to be a good rolemodel.
I want to be a good woman.
It feels really good to write this down.
It`s so completely overwhelming that I feel stuck!
Yep, that`s it. I have so many things in my head, that it`s just too much and I don`t know where to start. I end up doing nothing and feel like a total loser.
I`m stuck! I can`t move!
I often feel like people say about me: "What the hell does she want? She`s got everything. An intact, loving family, an awesome boyfriend, a roof over her head......"
Yes, I KNOW! And I`m extremely grateful for all of these things!
I didn`t have a screwed up childhood, my parents didn`t split up and I was good in school.
But this doesn`t automatically lead to just great things....
As well as a screwed up childhood doesn`t have to lead to a shitty life.
All I know right now is, that I have so many ideas in my head about how I want to be and live.
So many, that I can`t just BE.
Just go with the flow, trust my intuition, chill....
I`m afraid, if I do so everything will fall apart. I wouldn`t be a good person. I`d be selfish and nobody would love me.
Sounds stupid, but that`s the deal.
Maybe I`d dye my hair blue.
Maybe I`d get pregnant.
Maybe I`d get married.
Maybe I`d say bye-bye parents and move out just to be on my own.
Maybe I`d get covered in tattoos.
Maybe I`d become even weirder.
I don`t know.
All I know is, that I`m afraid.
I`m always afraid and scared!
It`s funny, how I`m not afraid of the most things other people are afraid of.
Like walking around at night in the dark all by myself.
Like getting piercings and tattoos.
Like dentist appointments.
Like cutting/shaving my own hair.
Like piercing my boyfriends ears with a sewing needle.
My little sister says, like once a day, that I`m weird.
Maybe that`s just the case.
Maybe I should embrace my weirdness?
Does anybody know how to do that?
I always feel so different from my family.
We`re not talking the same language.
When I was like 15 I always imagined, I`ll move out when I`m 18 and live a very independent, different live, faaaar away from my family.
Because I`m just different.
I was totally okay with that.
I miss my 15-16 year old self, sometimes. Because I felt free! I felt like me! I felt confident!
But something just shifted when I got closer and closer to 18.
Maybe I was scared to be able to do what I wanted?!
So I did the opposite and became sick, weak and dependent from my parents.
I don`t have a solution, yet. But I`m working on it.
Trying to trust the voices in my head and heart!
Thanks for listening, friends!<3